Several years ago in a school where I worked with Title 1 children (failing in school, but not qualifying for special education), I came to know one particular 7th grade boy pretty well. Tom had a sweet personality, seemed smart, and stayed out of trouble, but was completely lacking in motivation to do his work. His very frustrated and discouraged parents had seen him go in and then out of a special education program early in his elementary years, but in spite of testing out of special education, his performance remained terrible – chalk it up to “laziness.” Many adults did.
Tom quietly insisted that he didn’t NEED to do well in school. His desire in life was to be the manager at Burger King, and he was smart enough to know that if he remained adamant on this plan for his life, no adult would be able to show him a reason to perform well in school.
It is nearly impossible for me to accept that something cannot be fixed or made better, so one day I invited Tom into my office to talk. I earnestly shared with him that I knew he was smart. Tom shrugged politely. I persisted, asking him question after question and making plea after plea. Tom finally began to talk and shared with me that being in special education had convinced him that he is not smart enough to do anything really important. It sucked him dry of motivation. I, of course, said that he could do anything he would set his mind to, but he had to try harder than he was. He smiled and shared with me as he had done many times before, that he was satisfied; he was going to manage a Burger King restaurant and was not really going to need college anyway. I suspected Tom was resorting to this career to get people like me off his back. Stubbornly, I told him that I just couldn’t believe he would aspire to this job as the most exciting thing he could imagine to do with his life. He insisted it was. We went back and forth like this for a while getting absolutely nowhere.
Finally, in desperation I asked, “Tom, if you could erase from your mind anything anyone has ever told you, if you could imagine the most perfect thing to do, that would be the most interesting – if there were no obstacles at all to your doing this thing, if you could wave a magic wand and make it happen, what would it be?” Much to my surprise, Tom’s complacency vanished. He sat up straighter in his chair and asked, “ANYTHING?” Without any hesitation, Tom said he would choose to work in Asia in some field involving cutting edge technology.
BINGO! There was his answer and it was super specific. Finally I could see the dream Tom had buried under the years of failure and adult displeasure. “Tom, you can totally do this,” I flatly stated. “You will have to get a college degree, though. And getting into college means you are going to have to start making decent grades now. But I will do everything I can to help you.”
I’ve never witnessed a more dramatic change in a person in my life. Tom turned on a dime. He not only began to study, but he did his homework, contributed in class, asked questions, and began to make good grades. None of these behaviors can be forced on a child; they have to flow straight from the heart in the service of something that child truly wants. As days passed, I still struggled to catch up with the incredible change in Tom. He was transformed from the polite but slouchy sleepy-eyed boy I’d come to know and care for into a boy who was alert and more energetic. He had a purpose for being at school.
In the meantime, my attention had been caught by Tony, a 5th grader who got thrown out of class nearly every day. Tony was failing, defiant, always getting into trouble, and was spending way too much time in the office. His teacher said he was sick of dealing with him, was tired of Tony ruining class for everyone else. So one day when Tom arrived early for our session in math, I impulsively shared with him that there was a boy in 5th grade that needed help. Would he be willing to spend time with him? Would he invest some of his free time in tutoring Tony in math and then become his friend and find out what he really wanted in life? Tom quickly agreed. I cleared this for Tom and Tony with the administration and with their teachers. Honestly, they were willing to agree to ANYTHING, especially if it involved someone doing something about Tony! I promised to supervise the duo. So Tom began to tutor Tony; he was patient and earnest in explaining math concepts to Tony. I could overhear some of their conversations. Tom was already passing on to Tony his advice about staying out of trouble. Coming from an older student, the advice was well received.
Self-motivation will flow out of a desire that resides deep in the heart of a child. It is worth everything to help him find that desire, and then give him the freedom to go for it.
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